The Seattle Cupcake Showdown

I’ve been living in Seattle for the better part of a year now. During this time, I’ve frequented quite a few food establishments, especially cupcake bakeries. Here in Seattle, there are two major cupcake bakeries: Cupcake Royale & Trophy Cupcakes. There has been countless debates from both camps about which is better.  There is no clear winner; but I figure I’d still give my two cents on the topic anyway.  On that note, let the Seattle Cupcake Showdown begin.

First, a few caveats I should mention.

• For starters, I am in no way a foodie or any sort of professional food critic.  Quite frankly, I have a pretty simplistic palette.  That said, I will try my best to explain my thoughts in a relatively comprehensive manner.  Just don’t expect a highfalutin, expert critique. Save that nonsense for the molecular gastronomists.

• Second, I’ve begun frequenting Trophy for only the past few (3-4) months; unlike, Cupcake Royale which is in my own neighborhood. So I may have a slightly biased opinion because of that.

• And third, I’m limiting this to only two basic cupcakes: white cake & chocolate cake.

That said, don’t let this amateur write-up sway you from visiting either place as they have a lot to offer.  Both have a wide variety of other cupcakes you need to try and will definitely enjoy.  And with that…

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Cupcake Royale

This is my default cupcake shop due to how close it is.  The Cap Hill location is fairly spacious with a subtle hipster-esque vibe.  But surprisingly enough, you’ll find a wide variety of demographics here.  It’s quite interesting to see really.  In any case, on to the cupcakes.

The cupcakes are a bit oversized for my appetite.  Generally, I only eat half and save the other for later.  Or I get the mini-cucpcakes (pictured below) which suit me perfectly.  Oh, be sure to visit a few hours before closing time for cupcake happy hour.  You can buy six cup cakes for the price of three (roughly about $9).  That’s practically a steal.   But enough free advertising, here’s the breakdown.

Cupcake Royale Minis

White Cake:  The white cake is really solid and firm all the way through.  It has the perfect texture and sweetness making it an ultimate treat.  The majority of cupcakes I get usually have a white cake base.  The frosting, however, is an explosive sugar overload.  Truth be told, I take off a bit of frosting due to its overwhelming sweetness.  Otherwise, I feel like a cavity deposit is being made with each bite I take.  While we’re on the topic of frosting, the plain vanilla frosting is fine (albeit too sweet).  But there’s something a bit….off with the chocolate frosting.  It has a somewhat ‘earthy’ taste that doesn’t quite agree with me.  I’m assuming this has to do with the all-natural ingredients used.  That said, I still buy cupcakes with chocolate frosting. So it’s no deal breaker by any means, just something worth mentioning.

Chocolate Cake:  Now something just isn’t jiving with me on the chocolate cake front.  The taste, texture, firmness, just everything about it reminds me of the white cake.  There4′s no other way to illustrate my issue. They’re fine, just not my first choice. Again, I think it may have to do with the natural ingredients. But again, I still buy them so it’s not a deal breaker.

Overall Score: 9 out of 10 / Outstanding! This place is just top notch hands down.  I love this place.  Throwing in a few bonus points for their heavy community involvement as well.  There always seems to be something going on whenever I drop in. Though, I will dock a point due to the hyperglycemic sugar frosting content, but that’s just my own little nag.  I know many other people who don’t seem to mind at all.  Other personal favorites include the Lemon Drop, the Tiramisu, and the Gay (a rainbow themed cupcake).  I give this place my blessing. spac

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Trophy Cupcakes

As I mentioned earlier, my experience with Trophy is still relatively new.  But I believe I’ve been there enough to form a fairly, solid conclusion.  A quant little shop, it has a very surreal Stepford Wives vibe going on.  As for the cupcakes…

Vanilla Vanilla

White Cake:  The first cupcake I had was the vanilla vanilla (white cupcake with vanilla frosting).  Not the most flavorful experience.  Overly moist, spongy (almost doughy really), and disappointedly bland. I didn’t want to be too dismissive, so I marked it off as a fluke. So I tried another, the vanilla chocolate (white cupcake with chocolate frosting).  Slightly better, but not by much. On the whole, I find the white cake too moist and slightly bland tasting.  On the plus side, they do hit the mark with an appropriate level of frosting.  Not too sweet or dull, but  just right.  Some types of frosting are a bit buttery; but even then, it doesn’t have that waxy sensation like most standard butter cream frosting.

Dr Seuss' Lorax Cupcake (Vanilla Chocolate)

Chocolate Cake:  This is where Trophy shines.  I generally prefer white cake over chocolate, not this time.  Just like Cupcake Royale’s white cake, Trophy’s chocolate cake has the perfect balance of moistness, texture, and quite frankly tastes really damn good.  Combine that with their delectable frosting and it becomes one perfect cupcake, period.

Overall Score: 7 out of 10 / Decent! I actually like this place, even if atmosphere reminds me of a post modern ‘Donna Reed’.  The prim and proper decor almost feel stifling and a bit uncomfortable.  And docking a few points for the shortcoming with the vanilla cake.  Still a respectable score.  And I’m sure my impression will change with more visits.  Trophy will still maintain my customership, so not all is lost.

And the winner is ….

Cupcake Royale

Even though my time with Trophy is still relatively unseasoned; I believe I’ve had enough to form a fairly, solid conclusion.  But I gotta give the edge to Cupcake Royale for the the following reason: heavy community involvement.  If there is any kind of community event or social movement occurring (especially on the GLBT front), Cupcake Royale will most likely be on board as one of the sponsors.   Not to mention, over half of their ingredients are locally sourced.  How cool is that?  Make no mistake, both are great establishments with much, much more to offer than what I mentioned.  Regardless of what camp you fall in, you’d be a fool not to at least visit both occasionally and enjoy the ride.

Entangled Engagements

Men and women can not be friends. This video clearly sums up why precisely, no frills just straight facts. There it is, right there. There are a few exceptions to this rule though. Those exceptions would include: former classmates (depending on various factors), co-workers and potential business partners / associates, and former ex-partners of friends. But outside of those parameters, there’s really no other reason I’m purposely spending time with a woman I wasn’t trying to sleep with (at least attracted to on some level) or pursuing some financial upside. Yes, I know that is an utterly horrible thing to say; but there’s no point in being flowery about it. While I may not have the most buzzing social life, I am cognizant enough spending too much time with members of the opposite sex (especially those in your inner circles) can be a recipe for disaster at some point. This is not a hard and fast rule obviously. In fact, I have quite a few female friends who are certifiably gorgeous and fit many of my personal criteria of attraction; but I have absolutely zero interest in. Even the thought of them entering my spank bank is an instant turn-off (<- if you don’t know what that is, you don’t want to know). Look, having friends is great,regardless of who they are. It’s just part of our nature as human beings, we want to be around other people. Having a good set of friends (or at least one) is essential for having a fulfilling life. If there’s one thing you take away from this post, remember that and never undervalue it. Just be mindful of your interactions, because there’s nothing worse than things exploring areas better left uncharted. In other words, don’t diddle your friends.

There is a common two-fold snag in this scenario. Either one person develops feelings for the other who’s content with the current state of the arrangement. Or someone finds a new partner who wants a full-on proper relationship. As a result, the other person feels scorned, jealous and a whole laundry list of nefarious emotions. But when you cut through all the bullshit, “friends with benefits” are essentially relationships in themselves. And in some ways, they can be worse due to the destructive repercussions. You especially face potential fallout with mutual friends. This is one of the the main reasons you don’t get involved with the inner circle. One day you’re hitting up midnight movies and having a laugh / fling. The next day, your reputation is being dragged through the mud through friends via social media outlets (Twitter, Facebook, etc). Not to mention, your judgement can be clouded regarding what you want and deserve from a true partner in a relationship. I can particularly speak to this one. I’ve ruined relationships with truly, outstanding women because I was too much of a dickhead trying to keep our situation “open and see what happens”. Yea, I was young guy “sowing my oats” and there was a bit hubris with the profile job and all. But when push came to shove, I lost out. One of the most impactful learning experiences of my life. In short: Don’t shit where you eat or used to eat; do your fishing somewhere else! It’s just not worth the hassle, no matter how tempting the fruit looks.

Chris Hardwick: "Sex exists only for two reasons: making babies & confusing friendships."

But I’m a man. And men love sex. Doesn’t matter if they’re gay or straight, sex is on our mind. Any guy who says otherwise is a god damn liar or probably a virgin (which is totally fine as well). Chris Rock wasn’t that far off in his comedy bit: any nice gesture towards a women most likely has the subtle context of being an offering for sex. “Sure Sally, I;d love to help you with your charity event. (i.e. How about some sex as well?” Under the right context however, I see nothing wrong with casual sex between two consenting adults. Actually, I’d say a few more people need a dalliance or two in their lives. Truth be told, a little sexual healing can do the body and soul some good (and help you become a little less rigid). I can hear the congregation here in the united confederate of Jesusland gasping in horror now; but the truth is in the research itself. Don’t believe me? Check out some of these clinical research studies examining the dynamics between sexual relations between men and women. Contrary to popular belief, women are sometimes just as likely to engage in these encounters but decline because it may not be worth their time. To summarize: if they feel a guy is inadequate for the job of satisfying them, it ain’t worth their time.

That was a waste of time! I wonder if I still have time to buy that Groupon deal for a spa treatment.

You’re probably thinking these are two conflicting viewpoints with me vouching for casual sex but not friends with benefits. On its face, there is a bit of contradiction. To that I would say, in order to “avoid” (for lack of a better word) this enigma requires a bit of tact. First off, stay out your inner circles. This has been discussed already. Second, don’t make it a regular occurrence. Easier said than done for some, I know. But when two people start spending any sort of quality time together at regular intervals that includes sex, you’re basically in a relationship without owning up to it. Recognize the situation for what it is, have the encounter and keep it moving. And not to get all “biblical”, but sex can be a very personal and intimate event. It’s not something that should be taken too lightly, whether it’s casual or committed.

Whether you’re comfortable philandering around like James Bond (as we all would), prefer to hold out for that special someone, or just looking for mates to share a few pints. The important thing is that you are true to yourself. Be upfront and honest about what you want and need. And if that’s not working for someone else, wish them well and keep it moving. I know that may seem crass and can be a detriment pertaining to limiting my interactions with certain members of the opposite sex. In my defense, I am open minded guy and always willing to give someone a shot. But as I get older, I’m getting a better idea of what I want out of life and my partner. And I’d rather not waste my time or theirs, especially if no mutual attraction or interest is present (on a friendship level or otherwise). I’d expect the same courtesy in return.

Inked Up (or My First Tattoo)

This post is long overdue. Back in October I participated in a charity event to help support my local Children’s Miracle Network Hospital: Extra Life. As an effort to raise money, I promised that I’d get a tattoo if I reached my goal. With just a few hours left, I surpassed my goal thankfully. And true to my word, the following week I went out and got this…

This is slightly more detailed version of the Extra Life 2011 logo courtesy of Lucky Devil Tattoo Parlor here in Seattle. I was one of those people that always wanted a tattoo but wasn’t sure what to get. But this choice seems fitting: it portrays my passion for gaming. At the same time it’s not for entirely selfish reasons. It’s also a reminder to me that there’s people out there who need more help than I ever would; as such, I should really be grateful for what I have in this fleeting life.

I can’t wait for Extra Life 2012. I’ll definitely be participating again. And I’m definitely considering getting another tattoo if I reach my goal. But this time, I may leave the decision to my sponsors as to what I’ll get. Stay tuned.

The Psychic Costs of Today’s Gamer

As much as I love gaming, I’ve noticed my buying habits have taken somewhat of a gradual decline.  I’ve become extremely more sensitive to what I’ll spend my money on.  Up until a few years ago, I had a massive collection of video games.  Seriously, I had a closet packed with boxes full of gaming nostalgia.  Each box dedicated to specific system followed by genre sitting in pristine condition.  But today?  Looking at my collection, I estimate about 30 games across all three major platforms.  That’s still a sizable amount or more than your average casual gamer. But it’s nowhere near the pack rat status I had before.  One day I’m sitting on a quintessential library of video games throughout the generations.  But now I’ve scaled back to the bare minimum.  So what the hell happened?  Despite brief stints of unemployment, social / relationship issues, age, and whatnot; that still doesn’t account for the drop-off in my purchasing habits when life is on the up and up.  

A few months back, renowned author, Malcolm Gladwell, wrote a piece regarding the NBA lockout: the psychic benefits of owning a sports team. Basically, the gist is that most (NBA) owners derive a greater value / pleasure from owning items (in this case, teams) more than what they’re actually worth from a market valuation standpoint.  The whole notion of psychic benefits is to evaluate the level of stress involved when considering a transaction or facing a dilemma.  It’s the reason why stores offer rebates or attractive discounts on extra accessories when you’re contemplating buying that pricey, new laptop.  It’s the reason companies and recruiters offer lucrative signing (or referral) bonuses when scouting new talent.  All of this is to help alleviate the psychic cost (i.e. stress) of the situation.  Naturally, I began to wonder how this would relate to the gaming industry.  And it seems to apply just as well.

Same cost, Diminishing Value
Video game MSRP’s (Manufacturer’s Suggested Retail Price) have remained relatively steady throughout the generations.  However, I do believe that the majority of today’s releases are grossly overpriced given the quality of their content, especially for single player games. Granted, the criteria for what qualifies as a $60 game is debatable in itself. What can’t be disputed is the production quality of a game. Case in point, there’s no way in hell a titles such as Hunted: The Demon Forge, Spider-Man: Edge of Time, or even Thor contain the same level of attention and detail as say, Uncharted 3: Drake’s Fortune or even a lesser known gem, El Shaddai.  But I would be more inclined to buying games if they were released at a more reasonable price point.  The problem I face buying games today is twofold:

1. I feel like I’m overpaying for a half-baked product (see Homefront)
2. If there’s a generic multiplayer (MP) mode is tacked on, I feel like I’d only get half the value since I’m not a fan MP modes. This is the main reason why I skipped out on the latest released Call of Duty: MW3 & BattleField 3.

This is where the industry is failing.  So much energy and money is dedicated to hyping up AAA titlesm most of which are similar to each other where many of them fall into familiar territory too easily.  It’s no wonder they turn into massive flops (anyone still even playing Brink or Rage).  To me, it’s not worth wasting money on cookie cutter games I’ve already played for the past decade.  My buying influence is furthered weakened when a generic multiplayer mode is needlessly shoehorned in (see Dead Space, Assassin’s Creed, etc).  I’d rather play something that’s a bit more fresh (or shorter). As such, the psychic benefits I used to gain from most games has gradually diminished as a result of all of this.

Lately I’ve come to enjoy bargain bin titles more than many mainstream hits.  They’re short (5-10 hours), relatively simple to pickup and play, and they’re just as fun.  There’s this flawed conception that “cheap” games are bad games.  This is an area where the industry could really make a bigger impact.  These smaller, single player games could yield a larger return with a few tweaks the current model.  Think about it: cheaper production costs would allow developers to explore new ideas / gimmicks in smaller samplings instead of hedging their bets on expensive blockbusters.  Furthermore, it’d free up more capital to actually to market these “standard” titles. Plus, marketing a base of “standard” titles would allow people to move on to other games faster.  It would be even more awesome if these games were initially released digitally, not 3-6 months later when they’re well forgotten. Not to mention, more resources could be delegated to promoting commercially viable games from independent developers. This is another area that the industry continues to fail capitalizing on.  This year alone I’ve spent a fair amount of money and time playing indie titles that could make a commercial impact had the right parties taken notice. I’m not saying the large, AAA hits need to go away.  We still need those; I love those!  But we also need to broaden our focus and recognize what the community outside the majors have to offer.

Peter Pan No More…
Yep, I’m getting older.  The allure of having a mountain of games, midnight game releases, and trumped-up special edition releases just aren’t worth the hassle (or money) as I get older.  I’ll always be a nerdy gamer and I’m glad to help the culture evolve.  But as mentioned above, my priorities are shifting as I slowly become an adult.  There’s a silver lining to be found here in that gaming has transformed from being a mere “kid’s hobby” to a hobby people of all ages enjoy (whether they want to admit it or not) or even productivity applications (see Gamifcation).

I’m pretty confident I’m not alone in sentiments. But the gaming landscape is changing and expanding at an incredible rate.  Casual & mobile games are taking off and console gaming is starting to shrink sales wise.  If the industry wants to stay competitive and retain & grow market demographics, it will need to adjust their brand offerings & pricing model accordingly.  Soon enough you’ll find more gamers such as myself skipping out on even more games and transitioning to more suitable options.

2011: The Year of Underperformers & Neglect

As 2011 wraps up, let’s take this moment to take a look at the plethora of games to come out this year.  How many of those games really jumped out and grabbed you?  This year was rife with mediocre titles that quickly feel to the way side.  And that’s fine, not every game needs to be a AAA smash hit.  The problem though is that a majority of 2011′s AAA titles were flash-in-the-pain hits that didn’t really merit their hype.  The disappointment spread even further with the lack of pereipheral hits / supports.  Anyone care for Rise of  Nightmares?  What was the last Nintendo Wii title  anyone played before Zelda Skyward Sword came along?  Maybe publishers were playing it safe due to the global economic downturn, who knows.  That aside, this year did yield a few gems.  Since I’m not an industry insider, my gaming opportunities are limited but I’ve played more than my fair share of titles.  So let’s get to it.  

Best Game of the Year:

• Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception: - I kind of waffled on this one.  Personally, I would have put this as the number one game of the year due to it’s tight succinct story and fully fleshed-out multi-player mode.  But decide again it considering how chockfull of adventure you will find in Skyrim (which will provide you with gameplay for days, if not months on end).  Personally, I prefer more straight forward titles, but it’s hard to argue with a game that provides you with 200+ hours of gameplay.  But Uncharted plays out like a modern day Indiana Jones adventure.  The presentation is so well crafted, i’ve had people just watch me play just to experience the story.  And it definitely is an experience that shouldn’t be missed by anyone.
• Skyrim: I have a strong love / hate relationship with this game.  Furthermore, it doesn’t even rank as one of my personal top 10 games of the year.  It’s loaded with a load of quests breaking glitches, an incredibly infuriating user interface / menu system, and the carte blanche setting makes no sense.  I’m actually aiming to make an entirely separate post about this in a few days.  That said, I am able to keep an objective perspective and appreciate the game for all the other things it does right, and that’s content!  Skyrim is the game that keeps on giving.  While completing one quest; you can expect to pick up 4-5 separate quests along the way.  The value packed in this game more than it’s MSRP price and can easily keep you occupied for quite some time, if not a full year.
• Runner-up #1: L.A. Noire - I wrote a piece on this earlier in the year, you can find here. This game has been in development for quite sometime.  Thankfully, the wait was worth it.  A really smart story, interesting characters with depth, and top notch production all in one seamless package.  This game hit many high points and raised the bar to a new level.  Despite all this, the game does fall into familiar GTA territory in it’s mission structure at times (i.e. go here & kill ‘X’, wash, rinse, and repeat).  I have high hopes for this series.  Let’s just hope we don’t have to wait as long.

Worst Game of the Year:

• Duke Nukem Forever: Oh how the mighty have fallen.  Jesus, I don’t even know where to begin with this shit pile.  After being in developmental hell for nearly two decades, we were finally treated to one of the worst, trivial gaming experiences ever created.  There is seriously not one redeeming quality to be found here.  And to add further insult to injury, Bulletstorm came out just a few months earlier and fully captured everything this game should have been. AVOID AT ALL COST!

Sleeper Game of the Year:

• El Shaddai: Ascension of the Metatron: This was a quirky little title.  There’s no way to describe this game without it sounding like some generic platformmer.  But the mix of visuals along with its style of combat give it an unique flare.  In many ways it reminds me of a toned down version of Okami (another title I’m sure none of you played).  I know all that doesn’t give it the more glowing endorsement, but it is worth playing and presents a nice change of pace form the typical dreck that’s been  churned out this year.
• Runner-up: War of the Worlds: This will be a polarizing title due to its style of play.  If you;re an old school gamer familiar with titles such as Out of the World and Flashback, you’ll fall in love with how much this game emulates the old school presentation and gameplay with a modern facelift. But new generation gamers will balk at how finicky the controls are and the unforgiving style of play.  Personally I think it’s a welcome addition to an age where game are so pussified that they practically play themselves.  Plus, it’s fairly cheap, but will worth the money.

Diamond in the Rough :

• NOTHING: That’s how lame this year was.  The majority of title were either just good enough,that they really didn’t have much of an interesting base to build on.  I would love to have a more positive outlook but this year’s offerings really were tepid.  Very few risks and very little awesome.

Biggest Surprise of the Year:

• WWE Allstars: Yea, Im surprised as you that a wrestling game would top my list as one of the best games games I’ve played this year.  Admittedly, I do have some bias since I grew up idolizing these characters, but this game really is that fun and worthwhile.  Not to mention it has a much fresh take than the standard WWE games on the market.  It’s pure arcade style goodness.

Wall of Shame:
Admittedly, I haven’t played all this year’s major titles. Here are some those titles:

• Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 / Battlefield 3: Yep, I’ve said it earlier before but I am thoroughly burnt out on FPS and as such have chose to avoid both of these titles. But considering the turnout, this lame little rivalry fizzled out into a whimpering stalemate with no clear winner.  Given the massive build up, I would have expected more.  based on reviews and videos, they turned out to be more of the same riffraff from their previous incarnations.
• Rage
• Brink
• Alice Madness Returns
• Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword
• Shadow of the Damned
• Infamous 2
• Killzone 3
• Yakuza 4
• MLB 11: The Show
• Twisted Metal
• Little Big Planet 2
  

Personal Top Ten Games of 2011:
My personal favorite titles from 2011. Though I’ve missed some reputable titles, I’ve played enough for a solid definitive list:

1. Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception
2. Gears of War 3
3. Batman: Arkham City
4. Dead Space 2
5. L.A. Noire
6. Portal 2
7. Assassin’s Creed: Revelation
8. Saint’s Row the Third
9. Deus Ex: Human Evolution
10. Bulletstorm

There isn’t much else to be said.  2011 just flat out reeked of mediocrity and laziness that I’m afraid of what’s to come in 2012, especially considering we’re right at the point where a new iteration of consoles are right around the corner.  Even worse, there was a total lack of peripheral support.  Nintendo barely released 3 titles worth mentioning, not to mention that horrid DS launch.  Microsoft didn’t do any better with the small scattering of Kinect games released, many of which were garbage.  Surprisingly, Sony came through with some pretty surpassing exclusives, though most of them were HD remakes.  But I don’t like being such a debbie downer, I do have hope.  There have been new exciting developments from the indie scene that is yearning to be recognized.  Whatever happens, let’s just hope that gaming continues to maintain its true essence: being fun!

Deus Ex: Human Revolution – Humanity Redefinied

I’ve put the finishing touches on Deus Ex: Human Revolution a few days ago. After marinating on the experience for a few days, I found myself thinking more about the game’s thematic elements more than the game itself. First off, this is a retrospective and not a review per se. So I will make reference to a few of the game’s key plot elements to better illustrate my points. But I will try to keep the spoilage to a minimal. But you have been warned. Following up on that point, this post assumes that the reader has played the game or, at the very least, is familiar with the product and what it is about.

Deus Ex: Human Revolution somewhat shares a similar legacy with Duke Nukem Forever in that they both were overdue and needed to meet a lot of expectations. Duke Nukem failed….terribly; Deus Ex didn’t. In fact, it’s been an overwhelming success, and rightfully so. Not being a huge PC gamer, I never played the original classic. However, I did play the follow-up sequel, Invisible Wars, and loved it despite the disdain received from fans of the original. Duke Nukem failed because it was a horrible game: generic gameplay, stale presentation, dated design, and so on. Deus Ex on the other hand, provides players with a fresh experience not found in many games today. But that’s not to say it’s not without it’s share of glaring flaws.

Positives

 
• Versatility / Level Design: This is the game’s major watermark. The degree of variety pertaining to how players approach the game is amazing. This goes beyond the typical stealth / combat cliche. Levels are designed in such a way that offer multiple alternatives of reaching a destination or completing a goal. I’ve played this game three times with each run exploring a different path while using a mix of stealth and / or combat. It’s this kind of foresight that keeps games fresh and delivers greater value to the final product.
• Presentation / Production: Right form the start, the level of polish and attention to detail is strikingly evident. In some way, the cutscenes pale in comparison to the actual in-game modeling. If it weren’t for the grossly atrocious loading screens, this would be one really slick game.
• Gameplay: At its heart, this is a stealth game. But the stable of augmented powers and weapons players have at their disposal make the possibilities almost endless. From a gameplay perspective, there is no one ‘right’ way to approach this game. If you want to be a ghost the entire game, you do so without killing anyone (minus bosses). Or, you can dispose of enemies in a variety of ways. The possibilities are endless.

Negatives

 
• Linearity: While the gameplay mechanics and levels offer a mixed bag in its approach. You’re pretty much directed as to where you need to go from point to point. This kind of hand-holding really cheapens the experience. And in some ways in trivializes the story. Not to sound like a crotchety, old game,r but one of the things that made Invisible Wars such a great game was its open-ended, non-linear world. The game didn’t shepherd along your progression. The main plot was as clearly defined as all your other quests. Everything seemed to blend to together with an equal level of importance. Linear games are definitely not a “bad” thing, but this is a series based that’s been about choices, choices that extended beyond just gameplay elements. In previous game, you could kill off critical character early on changing the plot dramatically. It’s possible to finish some side-quests with a “good / bad” choice but that’s all really. Other than that, your path is pretty much set from start to finish.
• Shoddy Enemy A.I.: Finding the balance for good enemy A.I. is tricky. Now, I’ve been reading countless scores of people complaining about the games’s high degree of difficulty. Maybe I’m just a different breed of gamer; but I found the game to be relatively easy. Both my stealth & lethal combat playthroughs were a breeze. It’s too easy to take advantage of the enemy A.I. scripting. For example, if you’re spotted you can easily avoid pursuit by retreating to the previous / next room. Enemies appear to be confined within a certain area and will never move beyond that space. This makes it easy to set up easy head shots. Or you can wait until their alarmed status drops and try again. When you realize how it works, it makes the game terrible easy. Even if you do brave it out in the same area with alerted enemies. Retreating to hiding spots undetected or into a vent produces the same results. However, the boss battles are strangely incongruent with the rest of the game. They almost teeter on brink of being broken. It goes from essentially a stealth game to a straight, action romp.

Transhumanism
The real meat of this game lies in the story’s theme of use and advancement of transhumanism or (H+) , a topic that’s becoming a serious controversial issue. There is plethora of supplemental material that provide scant perspectives of the topic; but none of it it really germane to the game’s completion. Being that this is a prequel to the series, I would expect there to be a larger degree of moral ambiguity present. Instead the game presents a needlessly, overblown tale of super-organizations and corporate conspiracies. I realize this fits into the wheelhouse of the previous games; but it feels ridiculous and rushed in this setting. They could have created a much stronger and richer tale had it been more grounded and explored the issues of augmentend vs. bioluddites. Which is shame, because they’ve created a very clever and intriguing world with probable issues: drug addiction for augmented people, whether augmentation is a lose or advancement of human evolution, etc. Some of the side quests do a decent job of touching on these issues; but again, it boils down to making a “good or bad” answer and not just plain solution. The game’s narrative fails to capture this, and practically trivializes it by packaging it up in four buttoned-up endings. Essentially, players never really have to deliberate about any course of action they take. All roads lead to the same destination, baring no effect to the end. Players can literally save right before the end and choice which ending to see. That just reeks of lazy writing and poor plot structuring.

Change Is Coming
Nitpicking aside, Deus Ex: Human Revolution is a great game. It raises the bar by presenting an engrossing, smart game that is simply a blast to play. I would highly recommend it to any gamer out there. And I definitely look forward to future iterations. Whether you’re a purist and welcome evolution with open arms; change is inevitable. It’s not a simple matter of “good & bad” or “right & wrong”, change just is. Although I don’t think this game is revolutionary by any means, it does lay down the groundwork for that revolution.

MBA for Hire Is Dead…

I never liked the title of my blog. But I couldn’t create this blog unless I gave it a distinctive name. The main reason for creating this blog was to document my trails and tribulation establishing myself in Seattle. And MBA for Hire seemed most appropriate given my focus. But that focus has changed as of late. I’m not ending this blog but I am changing the name. And as the saying goes, there’s a lot in a name.

In my current residence, there’s a designated area on the roof where dogs can go potty. After Maxx does his business, we go for a quick lap around the deck. Ever once and awhile, we’ll come across a bird perched on the ledge. Once he sees this, everything goes out the window. His head jerks pointedly at the bird, his ears perk up, and he strikes a “ready to pounce” pose. More often then not, he’l just charge forward full throttle. Sometimes, he’ll try to trot quietly forward but his excitement more often than not gets the better of him and he darts ahead as he gets closer; which of course means the birds has flown the coop. In a peculiar way, I just find it amazing that even though he never catches the bird; he never loses that spark. Granted, I know it’s just the lab instinct that’s hardwired into his DNA, but the point still stands. he still chases it, no matter how many times he inevitably fails.

And it strikes me that maybe I need to take a page out Maxx’s book apply that same stubborn, tenacity to certain areas in my life. Despite all the insurmountable odds facing me, just charge headlong with reckless abandon. Well, maybe not so much reckless. The very definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. So a fair measure of corrective action should be applied as needed; but the intensity of the pursuit should never change.

Maxx eyeing his target off in the distance

When one door closes, another one opens. So going forward, this blog will no longer be named MBA for Hire. The title is too inwardly focused and not as forward thinking as I would like. So it’s only fitting that I brand this space something that’s a little more upbeat and a bit more progressive. Brought to you courtesy of my dog’s hunters instinct, I give you…”Chasing Birds“!

Apes, Rings, & Shields!

Thanks to my particular brand of (pseudo-) nerdiness is that I’ve become a keen observer to detail. I tend notice the little quirks, the subtle aspects of an interaction or environment. This is especially evident when it pertains to film and gaming. But sometimes when I’m dulling my senses watching a movie or playing a game, I’ll come across something that just rubs me the wrong way. Sometimes the litmus for suspension of disbelief for the sake of convenience is flat-out assaulted. Let me clarify that last bit. I’m not one of those douchebags who goes in with the intent of deconstructing a movie (or game) to harp on all its flaws.

Armond White: Film reviewer, music critic, and massive prick all in in one!

The following aren’t really movie reviews per se. But more like a quick rundown of anal-retentive, takeaways from a round of movies I saw recently. So this post will be laced with semi-spoilers. You’ve been warned. But really, anything I put in one of these harping sessions probably isn’t worth your time anyway.

I guess this would be a really bad time to make a joke about him being naked.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes: This wasn’t a bad film in hindsight. But I’m definitely puzzled as hell as to why it’s being lauded as a crowning piece of cinema. Starts out with a ton of potential and interesting elements, but then falls apart in the second half when it went full throttle into action movie mode. For a movie about apes being set loose, I was expecting some really wild, action sequences, but it was so tame I zoned out a few times. I was expecting to see some ape-shit craziness but only got a slightly angry version of Curious George, LAME!

The biggest flaw that undercut the entire premise of the movie was not Caesar, but the circus orangutan he befriended. On one hand you have a genetically altered monkey with a genius level IQ. Yet this lowly circus orangutan is able to communicate and understands Caesar perfectly well. Yeah, he’s not playing chess; but a damn monkey that can seemingly understands human interactions and some of the prevailing social dynamics is much more impressive feat in my opinion.

But moving on, then there’s the massive Nat Turner-esque escape. As Caesar explained, there are strength in numbers. So their first stop, breakout the apes n the zoo. Which is good and all, but how in the hell did the zoo apes manage to fall in line with the rest of the now, intelligent apes? I’d reckon the zoo apes would function as cannon fodder so the others could have an easier escape. And if that was the point, it contradicts Caesar ‘strength in numbers’ philosophy and kinda’ makes him look like a major dick. But from the looks of it, ALL the apes were in perfect formation, understood commands and everything. So somehow in the span of being freed and overrunning the city, they somehow become sentient enough to follow the crowd. But whatever, let’s move on.

So now we’re in the Redwoods. Now, I’m no primatologist but something tells me the Redwoods wouldn’t necessarily provide the sustainable environment & resources for the Mesan level apes. Just a wild guess on my part. And let’s not mention how some their mannerisms suddenly became more “human”. Geniuses, some primates do occasionally walk on two legs. They just prefer walking on all fours because it’s more efficient give the anatomical structure of their bodies.

Other than that, it was a decent movie. This was definitely a set-up piece for future films. So I can’t give it too much crap for now. It’s obviously not as clever as the original; but it doesn’t need to be nor was that its purpose. Definitely worth viewing, I just hope the sequels up the geek a bit along with some ape-shit madness.

Hey baby, I got another big head I wanna show ya'.

Green Lantern: Yup folks, the above picture is (one of) the main antagonist in the Green lantern movie: some deformed geek with major daddy issues. You don’t need Green Lantern for this folks. This threat could’ve been handled by two college meatheads who would give him an atomic wedgie and shove him in a locker or throw him in a swimming pool. Then they can celebrate by slamming beers from his test beakers while lighting joints from his Bunsen burner.

I was never the biggest Green Lantern fan. But from what I do remember, Ryan Reynolds is not Hal Jordan. But that’s not even the worst part, it’s practically everything else. The cookie cutter format of the movie plays out just as you’d expect. And that’s perfectly fine, it’s a summer popcorn movie based on a damn comic book; I’m not expecting a Steven Soderbergh masterpiece. But at least bedazzle me some cool special effects. Seeing Sinestro and the Green Lantern Corps was cool for like five minutes but that got old quickly. You know what? I won’t even dignify anymore time to this garbage. It just plain sucked period!

I just don’t get why DC can’t capitalize on their franchises. They have a stable of cool characters to work with. The Superman franchise alone should be as popular, if not moreso, than Batman. There’s no reason we why there isn’t a good Flash movie in the works, or Wonder Woman, or the Green Arrow, or something. Yet Marvel continues to get it right. Even when they fail, they turnaround time for remakes is incredibly short. And it’s not as though DC is hurting financially, so what the hell? Get better DC!

Movie cliche 13: Surround your enemy, but DON'T kill them. Take them to your leader instead!

Captain America: This was the most enjoyable of the three movies. And surprisingly, it wasn’t as campy as I expected. And as always, Hugo Weaving was amazing as the red Skull. I do feel it’s a bit bloated in some areas and they could’ve easily chopped a good 30 minutes. That aside, it was fairly decent. I wouldn’t put it up there with Ironman or even Thor, but this was a decent set-up piece for the Avengers movie.

But since this is a nitpicking session, I gotta’ pick out something. This criticism is more of assessment of the character himself, not the movie. And I’ve had it for a while. Yes, Captain America represents everything that is good and wholesome about American values. But his origin is a huge endorsement for drug use in many ways. Don’t roll your eyes just yet; hear me out. One of hard truths of life is that anything worthwhile takes a lot of hard work and pain. Young Steve Rogers was able to bypass all of that thanks to modified steroids; scratch that, I mean a serum that was developed to create super soldiers. What kind of message does that send? “Hey kids, don’t worry about spending countless hours in the gym sweating it out in the gym, watching your diet, avoid those nasty scraps and sprained body parts, or even going practices & training classes even though you pulled a full day at work / school. All you need is a little help thanks to this government approved serum.”

Yes, I realize that is a huge stretch of an argument given the circumstances. But there is some validity in it being that the ends justify the means. In this case, the end being taking out the Nazi regime. How is this any different than athletes who wants to use performance enhancing drugs to increase their abilities and career livelihood? Sports, war, it’s all about dominance in the end. But that’s a post I’ll explore at a later time. Again, it’s a just fricking comic book and fun, little movie.

That’s enough kvetching for one day. By now, I’m sure a lot of you are under the impression I’m a massive movie snob I’m really not. I actually find a bit of enjoyment in crappy movies due to their pure (unintentional) comedic potential. Case in point, I love the Fast & Furious franchise based purely on laughably terrible they are. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call is easily the best comedy of the past decade. At the end of the day people like what they like, simple as that. I may think less of your tastes going forward. But, hey tomato-tomatoe, right?

Plight of the Pelican

Whenever someone asks me to recount a story from living overseas, the following incident immediately comes to mind. Now, nothing terribly crazy happened and it’s not particularly germane to my experience abroad. It does, however, top the chart on my WTF scale due to its freak occurrence. It’s event like this that stick with us and make life so interesting; where something so alien suddenly plants itself into what should be ordinary situation. The brain just can’t comprehend what’s going on and checks out momentarily. This is prime example.

During my post-grad tenure in Australia, I decided to learn some Mandarin. Thankfully, I was able to strike up a language exchange partnership with a few people. Skip forward to one fine sunny day in St. Lucia, I’m off to meet my Mandarin tutor at one of the cafés on campus. The usual routine would be that we eat, do a little catching up, and then get to work. Simple enough, right? We were seated at a modest round table outside by a makeshift pond designed to look like a waterfall in a rain forest. Again, nothing strange about that right? Now what you need to know is that the University of Queensland is right on the edge of the Brisbane River. So naturally, there’s a modest about of wildlife there that freely roam around. And I’m not talking about your garden variety type of animal like a snail. No, we’re talking large lizards, giant rats, 2-3 foot long snakes, etc. It’s just part of their natural habitat and they want to keep it that way. Today’s guest came in the form of an Australian Pelican! And I use that word guest in the most literal sense.

It started out fairly cute, seeing this bird swimming in the water then waddling along the edge. Then cute quickly became strangely curious when he decided to situate himself right by the edge of our table. Stares at my friend, looks at our food, and turns towards me. Here is when the “WTF” dial starts to kick in. Something was definitely not right. And he was quick to confirm that when he suddenly hopped on the table, puffed out his chest slightly fluttering his wings. We are now officially in WTF territory. And thus begins the tale of how a bird systematically destroyed my manhood.

What played out next was essentially the Jules Winnfield / Brett scene from Pulp Fiction. In fact, I’ve come to call the bird Jules ever since. You know that glazed over, empty look some animals have? That wasn’t happening here. No, Jules (the bird) takes his ballsy-ness a step further and begins to peck away at my food. Here’s where the Pulp Fiction bit comes in. During this whole incident, Jules maintains eye contact with me the whole while he’s eating. You know that glazed over, lifeless empty look some animals have? Naw, that wasn’t happening here. Somehow, this bird embodied the essence of Samuel L. Jackson and bitched me out right there. All of this happened within a span of less than 10 seconds. Ambivalence doesn’t even come close to the jumble of thoughts that were running through my head. Let’s walk through some of the things running through my mind.

What are you gonna do bitch?

............

That's what I thought...pussy!

• Bewilderment / Impressed : This bird must have king kong sized balls to be bold enough to stand up to another animal that’s not only twice its size, but do so when there are ton of other people present. I’m pretty sure if there were any female pelicans witnessing this heroic feat of dominance, he got laid. Seriously, demonstrating that kind of gall should be rewarded with a pass to sexy town.
• Keen Curiosity: Aside from being publically humiliated. I was just genuinely curious how far Jules would go. I’ve never see a large bird like this up close. It was fascinating to see how it was able to get my half sandwich into his oblong beak and eat it. So there’s was a bit of a cool factor to it all, minus the whole making me look like a bitch aspect.
• Gender / Social / Ethnic complex: Am I really seeing this? What if the damn thing attacks me? If I try to wave it away will it attack me? Will I come off as some ignorant, thug? Will make my friend her more threatened? Is she ashamed of being here right now? Dude, I must look like the biggest pussy right now sitting here. What kind of man sits here and let’s a goddamn animal just walk all over them. Wait, I’m a damn American. I should be going “Don’t Tread on Me!” all over this bird. But I don’t want to perpetuate any false stereotypes racial or culturally as well. Arrrgh, what is the damn proper protocol here. WHAT THE F*CK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

Fear not, coming to my pathetic rescue was none other than Jeff Foxworthy!!!

Redneck Humor: Terrible enough to kill even large animals

Well, not it wasn’t the Jeff Foxworthy, but more like his Australian knock off. Book in hand, he merely waved the bird off sending Jules into a slight frenzy of chest puffing before retreating to the pond. After my sheepish thanks, he just waves it off without even looking at me. Great, so not only was I humiliated by a Toucan Sam, I had to be saved by another man. And on top of that, he was so disgusted with me that he couldn’t look at me. And I’m pretty sure that feeling resonated with everyone else watching. Needles to say, we parted ways and never went there again. Just multiple levels of FAIL! I failed my country, I failed my race, and I failed as a man all at once in a matter of seconds.

Sorry dude, no amount of reflection will restore your manhood.

This emasculating experience did teach me a very valuable life lesson: It’s better to make a bad / stupid decision then no decision at all. In hindsight, doing anything would’ve been better than nothing at all. Even if Jules did go into Alfred Hitchcock Birds attack mode, I’d at least have some cool battle scars to show off. Taking that further, I could even swing it into a nice, pick-up story with the ladies showing how much of a badass I was. Even if I severely injured or killed Jules, I could always play the ignorant American / foreigner card because I didn’t know any better. In either case, I would be able to explain the rationale behind my actions. Passiveness / indecisiveness is just another way of rolling over and letting life take whatever sh*t sandwich it gives you, even in extreme WTF moments. And men, it’s definitely not a trait women find sexy or desirable in a guy.

I’ll never make that mistake again. Should a similar incident ever happen again, I’m going into kamikaze mode. At least let me go out with some shred of dignity.

Gaikokujin Abroad (or Things I Learned from Living Overseas)

I love Cracked, but it’s also a black hole of all productivity. I can’t just read one article. One article, turns into five, which turns into twenty, which ultimately results in a whole evening wasted reading sarcastic humor. Never the less, I came across this article: 6 Reasons Why Your Plans to Live Abroad Might Not Work. Surprisingly, the article’s fairly spot-on to a certain degree. And it made me reflect on my own time as an expat.

Rather than go point / counter point with the article, I think it’s best if I summarize my experience and call it issues that impacted me the most. Being the globe trotter I am, I’ve visited my fair share of countries. But for the sake of brevity (somewhat), I’ll just focus on where I spent the bulk of my time: Japan & Australia. However, I will make reference to incidents from other places.

Living overseas was one of the greatest experiences of my life. Playing in pick-up rugby games, going to my first obon festival, stumbling in the streets of Akihabara, lounging around the Gold Coast, taking dip in to a real onsen I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world. But if there’s one thing I always tell people: My time living abroad has given me a much better appreciation for America.

When visiting another country, tourists tend to wear rose-colored glasses. You take the good with the bad and move on. You’re just there for a short time anyway. But when you actually try to weave yourself into the infrastructure of that economy; then it’s a whole different ball game. You’re no longer the affable, jolly American. You’re now the obnoxious, arrogant prick who poses a threat to their jobs (and women). And if you’re like me, you got another thing to consider: having dark skin!

Japan
Ahhh, where do I even begin? Let me give you the trimmed down, Wikipedia version. I spent roughly two years in Japan teaching English mostly. My whole intention for Japan was into improve my fluency so that I could parlay that experience into a “real job”. That obviously didn’t happen. Let me break it down for you. There are three types of people who teach English:

 
• The World Traveler: These people are more concerned with seeing the world. And this is one of the cheapest ways to do. And some actually come because they love the work. I have many friends who’ve become established & respected instructors in foreign universities. So it’s not a total cop-out sometimes.
• The Mid-Life Crisis / Retired guy: These are the Lester Burnham’s of the world truly living out the whole American Beauty experience. I worked with one fellow who was a top level exec at IBM for 25 years. He just decided he had enough of it and quit on the spot. He started teaching across the globe that year and couldn’t be happier.
• The Washout: These are essentially the people who couldn’t hack into back in the real world. As harsh as it sounds, it’s entirely too true. They lack any valuable skills that can be applied to the general work force. The jock with the debilitating injury that ended his scholarship, the liberal hippy white chick who think she can change the world’s negative perception of Americans through one person at a time, or the English jerk-off who just wants to nail as many Asian women as he can. Sadly, the English teaching pool is comprised mostly of these kind of people. Hell, even I was one of these people. Come on, what kind of job would I ever get with a degree in philosophy / communications, seriously?! But I digress.

It took a good couple of months to adjust to life in Japan. But once I opened myself up to experience (going to dinners with Japanese friends, studying language groups, visiting quirky little town, going to live shows, etc.), it was akin to drinking water from a fire hose. In many ways, it accelerated the crashing culture shock I endured much later. For a homogeneous society, the Japanese are a curious, yet insular set of people. Curious in the sense, that wasn’t uncommon for people to come touch my hair, or have a gang of kids come pull my pants leg up to see what kind of shoes I was wearing, etc. Yet insular, in the sense, they can sometime become skittish if you approach them. But once they learn you are somewhat fluent, their whole demeanor usually changes and the wall goes up.

Now, I could have fallen into the usual expat lifestyle only associating with other English speakers. But what would be the point of that? To be honest, I found talking to a group of expats a bit more socially awkward than with my Japanese colleagues. It was easier talking to them since our meetings were on a common basis (speaking Japanese and learning more about Japan). In the expat crowd, you have to consider different cultural, racial, and sometimes generational factors. Besides, many of the expat gatherings were just huge gripe fests about their frustrations of living in the society. One guy lived there 10 YEARS and could not speak a lick of Japanese. And had the nerve to wonder why he had such a difficult time getting around. It’s for reasons like this I avoided expat havens like Roppongi and certain spots in Shibuya & Harajuku. Don’t get me wrong, it’s perfectly natural to be drawn to these circles since. It’s one thing to maintain with your own cultural identity; but completely isolating yourself within those circles defeats the purpose of the experience. However, I’ve also seen the inverse occur as well. These people completely assimilate to Japanese culture under the false sense they belong there. To me it’s all about finding a balance that works for you. And that’s what I did….or so I thought.

Culture Shock
After my first year, my Japanese was fairly conversational. And my social etiquette game was on point. Remember that fire hose metaphor I used earlier? Sometimes you reach a bursting point. I was watching the Japanese Movie “Trick” and suddenly halfway into it. Everything went from Japanese to sounding like gibberish. This was so disorienting that I had to leave the movie before it ended. The next thing I remember is just breaking out into tear right in the middle of Hachiko Square. My poor little brain must have hit maximum capacity and couldn’t handle anymore. Everyone who’s been abroad for an extended period of time goes through it. Some handle it better than others. Me? No so much. After that little episode, I had to take some personal time for myself before I could even go back outside again.

It was also during this time, I changed jobs.Not only was I just teaching classes, but I was learning about managing head count, P&L’s, coordinating marketing campaigns, etc. I enjoyed that aspect of the job more than the teaching. Thus, the seed of business was planted. After a few months, I had my share of the teaching business and was dead set on going back to school to pursue my master’s. One adventure chapters ends and another was about to begin. This time, in Australia.

Quick tips
Before we go there, let me provide you with some helpful tips should you ever visit the Land of the Rising Sun. This should help you not look look like a total, obnoxious tool.

 
• Learn a few phrases: Even though you can get around Tokyo speaking only English. Your experience may be a bit richer if you learn a few courteous phrases, and questions.
• Don’t sip your soup!: I don’t care what Lonely Planet tells you. It’s incredibly rude to sip your soup like an uncultured clod.
• If you want to share food, use to the opposite end of your chopsticks: Sharing food is usually reserved for good friends, but sometimes it happens in more social gatherings. Should you find yourself in this position. Turn you chopsticks around using the opposite ends to grab food. No one wants your mouth ridden ridden germs all in their plate.
• You’re NOT Japanese! You’ll NEVER be accepted and will always be a gaijin!: This is aimed more toward the otaku, yellow fever nerds whom are obsessed with everything Japanese. No matter how much anime you watch, how many immersion classes you endure, or even marry into a Japanese family. You will never be fully accepted. Koreans who’ve live in Japan for generations are regularly discriminated against. Hell, even American born Japanese are looked down upon with a bit of disdain. So why in the hell do you think they’ll take a lily-white foreigner into their fold? Once you learn to accept this fact, it will make your experience that much easier and better.

Australia
After my experience in Japan, transitioning to Australia wasn’t all that bad. In many ways, Australia is pretty much a mirror image of America just set a few years behind. That’s not to say it didn’t come with it’s own set of quirks. Bats fly out in the open, hang from light post, etc. Don’t believe me? Look here. If you ask for a lemonade; you’ll get a glass of sprite. Voting is compulsory. BBQ there is nothing like BBQ in the states. Tipping is not expected but it’s greatly appreciated for exceptional service and so on. But that’s just scratching the surface. My biggest issue with Australia came in the form of its social dynamic.

Race (a.k.a. The whole being black thing)
My race was never really an issue on contention when I was in Japan. If anything, I would say many of the incidents I experienced were spurred by sheer ignorance on their part. For example, people changing seats if I sat next or too close to them on the train or arcade. Or constant inquiries about if I was a rapper or basketball player, etc. But in some cases, it can work in your favor. For some reason there’s this weird, exotic fetishism with black men ( especially African-Americans) I’ve noticed across the globe. Take it for what you will, but it does occur ever once and awhile. In any case, I’ve come to understand the mentality to a certain extent. Japan’s an isolated nation. And their relations with African-Americans (and Africans in general) is extremely limited and based hugely upon media perception. So I can understand the level of ignorance I’ve encountered or the hesitancy to engage in conversations.

For all our flaws as Americans, we are one of the few nations in the world that is willing to be completely self-critical about ourselves, full-frontal warts and all. You won’t find that kind of bluntness down under. Australians are incredibly kind people, but you sometime have to treat your interactions with kid gloves. Case in point, don’t ever bring up the topic of the Stolen Generations. Most (white) Australians are incredibly reluctant to discuss the long lasting social & cultural damage it caused and the remaining fallout from it. Any attempt to do so is usually met with an indignant rant about how Australia is not a racist society anymore, talks about moving on to an egalitarian nation and whatnot. Which is strange considering my whole time in school I did not encounter one ingenious student the entire time. I did see more than a few living in poverty or on the street. And that’s not even scratching the surface of numerous other recent examples I could pull out the hat. Now I wouldn’t mind this hush-hush etiquette if it was a blanket policy and not so hypocritical. But Aussie humor can be very racist. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard words like, “nigger, Abo, Gin jockey, coon, wog, etc.” thrown around in conversations. Now, I won’t lie. Given my perverted and dark sense of humor, I find a lot of inappropriate things funny. Jokes are jokes to a certain point. It wouldn’t bother me so much if their prevailing attitude and perspective on race wasn’t so naive and blindly insensitive. You’d think given the history and how they shockingly mimic problems from the U.K. and the U.S. they would know better….not so much.

That beetle-minded mentality has caused me a lot of personal anguish courtesy of Queensland astute, police force. While I was in school, I worked in a nightclub as a “glassy”. A glassy is responsible for picking up empty glasses, cleaning up shit & vomit, delivering drinks, changing kegs, and all other kinds sexy, custodial work. Naturally, I worked late hours. And sure enough, my trips home were peppered with random stops by the local bill. the most humiliating incident actually occurred right outside my apartment where I was subject to a thorough pat down and search of my belongings. Never in all my experience with the police in America have I felt so violated as I did that day.

Racial double standards and frustrations aside, I really did love my time in Australia and had an awesome time. The educational pursuit was superb, and it was added benefit to study with such a wide range of people from various countries and socio-economic / career backgrounds. Met some great people and contrary to popular belief, some of the food was pretty awesome ( and no, kangaroo meat does NOT taste like chicken). Plus, Aussies are pretty grounded, down-to-earth people, at least the folks in Brissy (Brisbane) are. They have a real (U.S.) mid-western vibe to which I can relate. If I couldn’t live here in Seattle, Australia is actually one of the few places I could see myself residing. I really look forward to day I can go back to visit (or possibly relocate).

Quick tips
Again, here are some helpful tips to keep in mind should you make a trip to the Land Down Under.

 
• Don’t ask for a Foster’s: Just don’t even bother. They don’t even stock the damn stuff. No one drinks it, nor should they. Unless your goal is to look like a ultra prick, just don’t ask. Take a Stella or whatever is on tap. In fact….
• Don’t attempt to use Aussie slang or make lame Crocodille Dundee references: Again, doing this will make you come off an incredible douche-bag. Not to mention, you’ll most likely use many of terms and slang in the wrong context anyhow. Just stick yo your dumb, American vernacular and enjoy the trip.
• Guys, play a game of Rugby: Take off your training bra and play a real game of rugby. Sure, it’s not a gentlemen’s game like Cricket, but it really is badass. Having 10-15 guys come at you full speed with no pads will really help you understand how much of a pussified American Football is in comparison. I knew guys that played pick-up game with broken toes, twisted fingers, and other insane injuries. Now that’s gangsta’.
• Plan your visit around the October – December time frame: Our season are flipped. Summer here is winter there and vice versa. Do keep in mind however that, this also falls in line with their school year. So you’ll have to contend with lots of kids on their summer break.

The Return
Fast forward to a mild winter day in the middle of December 2005. After being abroad for roughly five years, I finally stepped back onto America soil. But I’ve never fully integrated back into American society. Many of my mannerisms, vocabulary, food preferences, perspective on certain topics, etc. have obviously been influenced based upon my time abroad. I still cling onto these things and I’m perfectly fine with that; it’s just a part of who I am now.

Closing Out
I know I’ve thrown a crap load of information at you. And honestly, it doesn’t even scrap the tip of the iceberg of what I wanted to say. I could write a ton more posts on the racial dynamics alone. But this will do for now. That said, I’ll try to sum it up as best as possible.

I love travelling, meeting new people, trying new ethnic foods, etc. I really try to embody a cosmopolitan lifestyle. I never understood how people grow up their whole life in one city. I can understand having roots to your hometown but never venturing outside your hometown is a concept I can’t jive with. The world is so much bigger than your own sandbox. Go out and be part of it! But I do love America. It is easily one best countries in the world, flaws and all. And I say that without any ethnocentric bias. Too many times have I heard some American rant about how their lives would be better if they’ve lived in XXXX. Many times, they’ve never visited the place or it’s based on some mini vacation they’ve become infatuated with. Not the slightest clue about how the the rest of the world really works or lucky they are to live here. At the end of the day though, you gotta follow your heart & pick to your poison. Just keep in mind, you’ll face a whole host of new problems, especially if you’re of a darker persuasion. Not to mention, the process for relocating is a lengthy & expensive process. And even if you manage to get through all that, is it really worth it? Unless you’re living under some dick-ish military regime or stuck in a long distance relationship, are things really that bad in your country that you need to move and start over again? But hey, what do I know? I’m just another dumb American.